Letters I’ll Never Send: Vultus Nova Verba

Brother,
Here is where I would usually place some kind of warm benediction, however I believe this letter deserves directness. In addition I hardly know a benediction you would truly accept. Perhaps you will take the simplest, Grace and peace unto you. 
Now as far as business goes I do have a purpose in writing to you. I fear that you have forgotten something very important. You have dedicated part of your mind and heart to the search for new words. I believe “Vultus Nova Verba” is the phrase you use. I do not wish to be misunderstood, I delight in new words. I love the examination of new ideas. However I fear you’ve forgotten something. In the quest for the new shiny, glittering, and glistening ideas you forgot something old. You forgot the oldest words. Perhaps not your mind, but certainly your heart. Shall I remind you of them?
“Let there be light.” 
Those were the first words spoken. I would have used the Hebrew, but if you’ve forgotten them in our tongue, you never would have recognized it though. When He saw the light He said that it was good. Have you forgotten this? I don’t see it in your writing. I see the thing older than words. I see the darkness. I see anger. I see fear. I see despair. I see the darkness. I know, I haven’t been perfect about it either. I have allowed my heart to be ruled by darkness. I have given in to the despair. So perhaps I can be the one to ask you to come out. 
You’re wrong. You think words were made to express things older than the first words? Well that is true. They weren’t though made to express the darkness. They were made to glorify the Speaker. Remember? When the Word became flesh? Remember? When the Word told us He came to Glorify the Father who sent Him? If the Word, the first words, were for that, why should the rest not be? 
Before you quickly discount me, I would ask you to listen. If you feel you must use your words for the dark, then I stand for the light. I don’t want that though. I want you beside me fighting for the light. Just like we were years ago. Do you remember that?
As always, I love you brother. May the one we called upon lead you back to Himself. As always, may grace and love be with you.
Soli Deus Gloria,
TKH Hamilton

My take on “Looking back at the Future”

Yet another piece as a tribute to a peer of mine. This one is from my long time friend Walt over at nova-Verba.blogspot.com. So here’s my take on looking back on the future. If you enjoy c.j. miller and I, you might enjoy his work as well.
It wasn’t supposed to go like this. The end. It was supposed to end in song and glory. Disney lied. They promised high school to be bright and musical. It wasn’t. I won’t sugar coat it. Some times high school sucked. 
Five am swimming.
Sucked.
Cramming for finals.
Sucked.
Getting betrayed by friends. 
Sucked.
Being bullied.
Sucked.
But you know what I thought our end would be different. I thought we would get that fairy tale Disney ending. But guess what? Disney lied, and so did your heart. 
You needed me
I loved you. 
I loved you like a flower loves the sun, it gives it purpose and beauty. You needed me like a child needs a jacket in a winter storm. Without it they will freeze and fade away. For a little while I was life and so were you. 
Then you realized
You didn’t need me
But I still loved you
So you let me go and closed the doors of your heart behind me. I slammed on those doors so hard because I was looking as a future closed to us. The future of us together. Of Prom. Of graduation. Of summer romance. Who knows we might have pushed through the thousand miles of distance in college. We could have had that fairy tale ending. But we couldn’t really. 
I could blame your ex.
He put you in this position! He took away the appeal of love! He doomed it to fail!
Nah, I can’t really.
I could blame your dad.
The way he never liked me. The way he called me names. The way he made you question your own identity. 
Nah, I can’t really.
I could blame you.
For using me. For abandoning me. For making me feel worthless, witless, and washed out. For all the times when you held back your heart from me. 
Nah, I can’t really.
I could blame me. 
For all my insecurities as they drove you away like a herd of stampeding horses. For my bleeding, broken, battered heart heaving heaps of hot luggage into your life. Or for my simply being spectacularly inadequate for someone like you.
Nah I can’t really.
Looking back on that future that can never be I blame the cartoons. I blame Disney. He took the truth and cut at it. He clipped at the old stories until they could be placed on technicolor slides and force fed into our eyeballs. He took all the struggle and failure and cropped it out. He took all the adventure and castrated it. The world isn’t like that. 
Looking back at all those futures I had I realize something. Things don’t turn out how we hope. We all want that simple story with a nice neat happy ending. Looking back on all those futures I realize I don’t want those. I want amazing adventure that awakens anxiety and amazement. I want the kind of story that people can not believe. The world isn’t a 2d technicolor cartoon it is the 4d time and space masterpiece of the most brilliant author ever. There are so many stories to hear, see, and feel. The real world can’t be cropped and edited to fit some small scale agenda. The greater grander story in which we have the exceptional opportunity to play a role in is out there. There is a future to look back on that we can’t imagine yet. 
So good bye.
We can’t have that future I’m looking back on. It’s not a possibility. I’m sorry my little dreams kept the two of us from seeing something splendid. I wish you the best as we go on. I hope you never forget me because one day, on the other side of eternity, I want to look back on our futures together.
By TKH Hamilton
I hope you enjoy and might go check out Walt’s blog. 

Letters I’ll never send: Dear Ex

Darling,

I never thought I’d address another letter like that. I never thought I’d write a letter like this. The truth of the matter is I’m not over you. It feels as though either I’m a mad man in a sane world or else I am a sane man in a mad world. Everything around me feels so normal and yet there is conflict. Nothing within me feels normal. You took with you all my happiness in one fell swoop. Though you could not have stolen my joy, for that is of course in Christ rooted, I fear I have lost track of it. Beyond that page, I am an exile from the band hall way again. That is every fault of yours and no fault of your doing. It is of my own volition that I refrain from returning there, for fear not of what you will do but for fear of you. Seeing you is a hammer driving a spike in my heart or a twisting dagger in my lungs. Yet, beyond, every other thing seems normal. It is, and perhaps should be, as though the event which shattered my little world and heart was not even big enough to cause a ripple amongst my peers. I realize it is egocentric to expect anything else, yet it is hard to accept. I feel as though I am a mad man amongst the sane and no one even notices my madness.

All of my friends and family say I ought to have abandoned all hope of you. Yet should I? I suppose the question seems odd, allow me to rephrase it. Should I give up on something I loved and wanted to fight for without fighting for it? Is that a manly or even human thing to do? Doesn’t even a wren fight back against a falcon when it’s nest is invaded and that which it loves is jeopardized? Beyond that, if I give up hope in you, will I not be left in despair? If I abandon hope then what point is there? Certainly all my peers expect me to find some point swiftly and work with such. They see what are the products of this broken heart. They witness all changes in my demeanor. They worry as they read my writing. They each advise me to move beyond you. To forget you like some foul nightmare, some fantasy which can only harm me in the night if I allow it to. Yet even by my own standards, many of these are amoral, atypical, or sick individuals, hardly the peers in which I ought to trust my own well being. Yet I know if I had no hope of you, in any way shape or form, I could not predict the results. Perhaps it would be liberating, maybe it would be crippling. Maybe it would let me pick up the scattered pieces of my heart, or perhaps it would blow it like chafe in the wind. I don’t know. I know though that the  quantum state I am in, where hope and despair sit juxtaposed in an impossible balance is unstable. My heart is the cat in the box. It is both dead and despairing and alive and hopeful and loving and loathing and in pain and in pleasure and good and evil until you open it up and collapse a hundred thousand quantum waves of me in a single explosion. Then either I may from the ashes of that explosion rise like a Phoenix, or else I’ll be left with my heart as but a dead cat. Yet still, when every evil departs from Pandora’s box are we not left with hope? 

If ever you loved me write me back. No strike that, rather, for all the aloha I gave you, write me back. Without an answer I am torn in a million directions. I write all this in hope for some end to this pain and madness I am in. 

With all love,

Your “Poet Player”,

TKH Hamilton